I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
