Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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