when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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