Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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