I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
