I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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