Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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