I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
