you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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