I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
