Plan B is the new Plan A
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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