Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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