I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
