I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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