using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
