There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
