Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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