dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
