my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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