Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
