Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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