in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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