I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
