Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
