Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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