the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
