I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
