He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
