I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
