Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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