while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
