He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
