I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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