Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
