I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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