I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
