I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
