I'm so fucking centered right now
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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