Already got asked if we're dating
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
