i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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