Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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