The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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