everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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