i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
