why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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