New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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