Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's never too late to be topless.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
