I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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