Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Randomize
