i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
