My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
its liver damage thursday
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
