God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
