I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
