the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
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he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
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I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i think i just lost a toe
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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