I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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