This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
