You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
